Love Yourself First: Know What You Want Before You Date

So many of us are out there looking for someone to love us. We are looking outside ourselves for the thing we need most. But the love we're searching for has to start somewhere else first: inside us.

Here's what I believe, and what I've seen over and over at my events: the more you love yourself, the easier it is for somebody else to love you. When you know your worth, you stop accepting less than you deserve. You say what you want. And people with that same energy start showing up.

Love starts with self-worth, not with them

It is easy to think, "If the right person loved me, I would finally feel good about myself." It works the other way around. Your relationship with yourself is the soil every other relationship grows in.

The research agrees. Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas studied couples and found that people who treated themselves with compassion were described by their partners as more affectionate and more accepting. People who were hard on themselves were described as more controlling and detached. It is about being kind to yourself.

And the Harvard Study of Adult Development found that close relationships predicted long, happy lives better than money, IQ or even genes. So loving yourself isn't selfish. It's the first step to loving someone else well.

If that feels hard right now, you don't have to do it alone. UR-Amazing.org offers self-love and confidence coaching built for exactly this.

Trust yourself first

A lot of people tell me, "I just can't trust anyone anymore." But dating isn't really about trusting other people. It's about trusting yourself. Trusting your gut, and trusting that you are worth waiting for.

You build that trust by keeping your word to yourself:

• Keep one small promise to yourself every day. A walk, or going to bed on time. Each one says, "I can count on me."
• Talk to yourself like your best friend. If you wouldn't say it to them, don't say it to you.
• Stop letting a text decide your worth. A slow reply is information about them, not a grade on you.
• Know your three non-negotiables. Write them down, so you won't talk yourself out of them on date two.

Want to see where you stand? Take the free Dating Skills Test.

It's okay to say what you want on a first date

Telling someone what you are looking for is not too much. It is a kindness that saves you both time.

In Hinge's 2025 survey, most Millennial and Gen Z daters said they check someone's dating intention before they even like their profile. Being vague just makes people guess, and they usually guess wrong.

There's a difference between clear and intense, though. "I want to be married by the end of the year" puts the other person on a stage. Talk about the kind of relationship you want, not a deadline:

• "I'm looking to grow with somebody. Someone who can change through life with me."
• "I'm dating for something serious, but I'm in no rush. I'd rather get it right than get it fast."
• "Honestly? I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I'm getting to know people."

That last one is perfectly fine. The problem is never what you want. It is hiding it.

Don't send mixed signals

A very nice man asked me out recently. He was polite, and he had a ring on his left ring finger. I asked him twice if he was married. Both times he said no. But before he said a word, that ring had already put a question in my mind. That's what mixed signals do.

A ring, photos with an ex cropped out, or saying "we" about plans with someone else all speak loudly. If there's a story, tell it first. "This was my grandmother's ring" takes five seconds and clears up everything.

Introduce yourself like you mean it

Another man walked up to me and said, "Oh, I want to take you out." That was it. No name, no hello, no reason, no plan. If someone approaches you with no good intentions, you can smile and walk away. You keep your power.

And if you're the one doing the approaching, here's the whole formula:

1. Say hello and your name. "Hi, I'm Dawn."
2. Ask for theirs. "And you are?"
3. Say why you came over. Compliment something they chose, like their style or their laugh. Leave their body out of it. That's my compliment method.
4. Ask an open question and actually listen.
5. Make a clear plan. "I'd love to take you to coffee Saturday. Here's my number."

Name, reason, question, plan. And when you trade numbers, call, don't text. A call says, "I meant it."

Ask better questions

"So what do you do?" gets you a job title, not a person. Try "How do you spend your days?" Then follow up: "What do you love about that?"

Follow-up questions are magic. Researchers from Harvard Business School studied speed dating conversations and found that people who asked more follow-up questions were liked more and got more second dates. A follow-up shows you're listening. Share about yourself too, so it is a conversation, not an interview.

Ask the hard questions softly

Say why you're asking, keep your voice light, and share your own answer:

• Are you single? "I ask everyone this early so nobody's time gets wasted. Is there anyone who'd be surprised you're out with me?"
• What are you looking for? "What would make dating feel worth it for you this year?"
• Kids? "Do you see kids in your life, now or someday? Family's a big part of my picture."
• Your last relationship? "What did your last relationship teach you about what you need?"

And if the answer tells you it's not a match, you can say so kindly. I call that the soft rejection.

Dating later in life: ask about the next chapter

If you're dating in your 50s, 60s, 70s or beyond, the questions get better. Ask "What does your life look like in retirement?" or "What do you want this next chapter to feel like?" And it's just as okay to say your intentions at 65 as at 25: "I'm looking for a companion to share this chapter with. Travel, good dinners, family holidays."

Two trees, one set of branches

Sometimes two trees grow so close that their branches fuse into one. That's what a committed relationship can be. But each tree still has its own roots. You don't disappear into your partner. Your self-love is your roots. The deeper they go, the stronger the tree you make together.

Try it for real

Come practice your hello in a friendly room. Our speed dating nights happen all over the Las Vegas Valley, for singles 45 and up, ages 21 to 44, LGBTQ+ singles, and every single 21+. I host in person, we start with a short lesson, and you have 12 to 15 short dates in one night. See the next nights, or register free to hear when new dates are set. Everything we do is in one place at TheLoveEffect.world.